also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I smell stomach acid.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
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we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
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Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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