My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
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Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
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We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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