He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
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rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
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It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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