You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
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Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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