i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize