it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
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SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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