She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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