A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize