He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
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holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
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Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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