I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
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