Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
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He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
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Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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