I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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