dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My vagina just recognized that song.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
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That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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