I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize