As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
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When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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