if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
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if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
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I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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