i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
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I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
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last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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