Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize