First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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