fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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