Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
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she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
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There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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