drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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