Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
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