It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize