I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
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I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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