Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
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2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
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He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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