i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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