what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
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I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
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Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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