i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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