I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
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I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
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She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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