Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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