It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
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Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
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The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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