I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
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All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
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Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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