Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize