you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
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I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
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So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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