im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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