I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
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i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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