im having a threesome with these popsicles
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
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he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
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Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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