Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
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Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
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The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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