You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
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Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
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We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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