i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
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He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
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I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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