I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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