I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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