I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
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Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
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My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize