sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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