tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
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There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
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I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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