It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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