i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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