I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
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Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
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This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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