I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
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You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
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I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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